Bikes and Beer. That is the primary theme of this blog. In a prior life, some of us responsible for this blog did a prior blog, of which we were reminded yesterday for a couple of reasons, which skewed towards bikes more, but a certain amount of beer. During that time, we had a semi-regular contributor named Dr. Spalm. There is a lot we don't know about Dr. Spalm, but here are a few things that we do: we had to pay him by the word to answer questions (this lead to wordy responses, but his rate was very low so it worked for us); he claimed to have medical credentials, although this claim originated about the time he is also known to have emerged from a Central American jungle after an extended disappearance; he suggests that he was born in Europe, although without really saying where and he is also suspected of feigning ignorance of the English language to suit his own purposes.
Why then, did he seem like a good person to answer questions in our blog? I think we were drunk at the time. Nonetheless, we have made the decision to bring back Dr. Spalm at least in re-run form. We have started asking around to see if he is interested in answering more questions, so while we scour bus station bathrooms and flea bag hotels for evidence of his whereabouts, please enjoy this prior post. And, if you have any questions for Dr. Spalm related to cycling or beer, please let us know.
Dr. Spalms Answers Your Questions
Having just returned from a tour
of scientifically interesting sights throughout Eastern Europe seeking
the latest and most unusual in medical techniques and off-label drug
use, Dr. Spalm is now in need of replenishing his coffers by providing
answers to the readers of our blog at his usual per-word recompense
level. So now, without further ado.
Rider 1 recently described a phenomena of riding in very warm weather and not sweating until he stopped exercising.
A reader describing himself as "Mark" (surely a pseudonym meant to
disguise his real identity) asks "Why do I sweat? And, "Why do I smell
burnt toast on White Road?" (Actually, Mark asked his questions in a
less grammatically correct form, but Dr. Spalm has graciously corrected
these minor errors to help the readers of this blog post be more
comfortable with the actual question; recognizing, as Dr. Spalm does,
that most readers of this blog are highly erudite and well-mannered.)
These
two questions are in fact very different kinds of questions. The
first, why do I sweat, is an easily explained pysiological response to
certain stimulus. The second, why does the reader smell burnt toast on
White Road, is much more interesting and layered.
To dispense with the
first, you sweat because you have applied a physical stimulus to your
body causing this reaction. In other words, if you apply heat to the
organ known as "skin" or more clearly to your entire body, whether from
external sources or from an internal workload, your body's response is
to sweat. This means that the pores in your skin will dilate or open,
and allow the tiny demons living in your soul to leave. These tiny
demons are tricked into thinking that you have entered hell and they are
assuming that they will be welcomed back home. As these demons exit
your skin, the lack of the real heat from eternal damnation is not
present in the atmosphere and they cannot survive such temperate
conditions; therefore they oxidize immediately and the condensation from
this process appears on your skin as water or sweat. As we all know,
the tiny demons are inside you because we are all evil at our core.
Now,
to the more interesting question of smelling burned toast. This is not
a phenomena that is capable of such a clear and cogent explanation. In
fact, there are multiple reasons that you might have the smell of burnt
toast within your nostrils as you travel up White Road. For those of
you not familiar with our local area, White Road in this question refers
to the 3/4 of a mile section of said road that rises at a 10-15% pitch
from Highway 195 up towards Cedar Road. In about 7/10's of a mile, the
road gains 800 feet in elevation. As a result, a rather significant
exertion is required to ride this portion of the road.
A number
of potential reasons come to mind to explain this occurrence. First, I should note that it is odd that you paired these questions, because White Road is known to
have a strong demonic presence. So the smell you may be picking up may
not actually be burnt toast, but burnt souls that have been collected
across the Palouse and brought to the White Road Demonic Processing
Center. Many people have been known to confuse these smells, which is
ironic because toast can be such a comfort, while having your soul
demonically processed would be just the opposite. Very ironic, like a
fly in your chardonnay.
Second, and continuing with our demonic
theme, the smell may be because you sweat more than usual going up White Road and therefore
there are more little demon oxidizations going on all around you. By
the way, for proof of my theory, after a long ride take off your riding
shorts, close the waist band opening to allow you to put your nose in
and take a deep sniff. If that is not proof of demons, I don't know
what would be.
The third explanation is that it is possible that you commonly ride up
White Road during one of two times; either in the morning or during the
mid-afternoon. Mrs. Magillicutty has four boys that she is raising in a
rented duplex about half-way up White Road and she makes toast for them
almost every morning for their breakfast and again in the afternoon for
a snack. Because those four kids are a bit wild, ruffians if you will,
it is not uncommon for Mrs. Magillicutty to burn the toast while she
endeavors to re-direct the boys' energies. Be forewarned, however, Mr.
Magillicutty was a cyclist and left the family to serve espresso to
Euro-pros in Girona, so Mrs. Magillicutty's is not a good place to stop
for water. Or toast. She has reserved no goodwill for our cycling brethren.
Fourth, there is a wives' tale that one
smells burnt toast as a sign of stroke. There are two problems with
this suggestion as a solution to your question. There is no scientific
evidence that this "burnt toast" phenomena is actually attached to
stroke; it would be considered an olfactory hallucination, but you are
just as likely to smell figs or your grandmother's perfume as you are to smell toast if
it is indeed a precursor to stroke. Next, the more likely medical
condition from climbing White Road is tachycardia followed by myocardial
infarction. Much more likely than stroke. Also, myocardial infarction
is a lot more fun to say. Try it. BTW, rumor has it that Mrs.
Magillicutty has a home defibrillator if you are really desperate. On the other side of the road,
Satan is not rumored to have one, so be careful about where you seek
help.
Fifth, in the list of possible reasons, is that you have entered a parallel universe in which you
can literally smell analogies or similes. In this world, which is
extrapolated from the quantum mechanics work of DeWitt, you are
"toasted" or "burned like toast", and your olfactory senses can actually
detect this in the air. This is not the same as an olfactory
hallucination, in which you are sensing something that does not exist.
Keep two things in mind if this is the case; a) Be glad you didn't enter
the anthropomorphic alternative universe; and b) feel free to be
"toasted", but don't tell your riding buddy that you feel like a piece
of shit.
And the sixth explanation for you smelling toast is that you are pregnant. You probably don't know this, which is why I am answering the questions, but the burnt toast phenomena is
associated with early pregnancy symptoms. I think this is the mostly
likely answer.
Thank you for asking.
Dr. Spalm
