Friday, June 21, 2013

So Many Questions

Regular readers know that I have been married for a long time.  Not "cute" we-are-having-our __ month anniversary long-time, but actually and genuinely for a long time.  As a result, you get used to certain things within your partnership.  There are big things and small things that fit into this category, serious things and silly things even.  But when the routine gets dramatically changed, it suddenly wakes you up to the fact that you have become rather dependent on, or reliant on, things being a certain way.  And when they aren't that way, it raises questions.  Lots of questions.

My spouse is currently out of town and will be for two weeks.  This is the first time in nearly 25 years that I have been at home while my wife was out of town.  It turns out, I should have done a bit more preparation before she left because I have some questions.

  • Can I leave my own toothbrush head on the handle the whole time you are gone? Seems polite to check.
  • Should I make the bed ever day?  If the answer is yes, is that because I am setting a good example for our children or because I "want" to?
  • Can I use your fancy shampoo while you are gone, or should I leave it alone like usual?
  • I know that you dropped off shirts at the dry cleaners for me, but it turns out there are a whole bunch of them.  Which one should I go to?
  • Does it matter what dog food I buy?  Will the dogs care?  Will you care?
  • Do I have to feed the kids three times each day, or can we just eat when we are hungry?
  • When you make a salad, I think I know the ingredients, but how do you get the salad dressing all over everything?  Is there a machine for that?
  • How many nights in a row are we allowed to eat pizza?
  • Did you think about making some food to put in the freezer for us?  Maybe a lasagna, some meatloaf, some hamburgers, a lot of sandwiches, some bowls of cereal - you know, stuff like that?
  • Is there a maximum amount of time that I should allow the kids to play XBox?  They said that you said they could play as much as they wanted while you were gone.  Also, I'm not very good at most games, so I'm gonna need some more time set aside for that.
  • Would it be "fun" if we have a cooking competition and the rules require each child to prepare and clean up all the food for that day?
  • Do you want me to water the plants?  If so, which ones and how much?  What about a survival-of-the-fittest thing where we just keep the ones that live until you get back?
  • If the boys and I have a wrestling match and accidentally break something, say like a leg of a table, just for example, not that it has happened or is even likely to, is there someone that can fix that, and just another follow-up, how long does that take?
  • Totally unrelated, but if one of the kids is injured, in a very slight and totally meaningless way of course, I know we have medical insurance, but why doesn't the lady at the emergency room have a record of it?
  • If one of the dogs has an "accident" on the floor, it would be totally irresponsible to not clean it up immediately, but wouldn't it be easier after it dried if it was in a place that wasn't in the way?  Also, the rug cleaner stuff (Found it! It turns out it was with a bunch of other cleaning stuff?!) says that I am supposed to "blot".  What exactly is blotting?  Seems more 'merican to scrub.  
  • Is there a particular schedule where I am supposed to do things like vacuum and clean toilets?  Wouldn't it be easier to just wait until the 30 minutes or so before you arrive home?
  • Do you know how hard it is to take care of all of this stuff, and kids and dogs and house and all?  You should have mentioned it at some point.


  1. When your spouse is away, there is more time to do what you want to do, which, of course, is to ride your bicycle!

  2. Well done, my friend. Hilarious.