Friday, March 15, 2013

Dr. Spalm Answers Your Podcast Question

The brewery crew and some cycling friends recently sat down with Packfiller Productions to drink some beer and talk cycling.  A discussion of prior cycling blogs broke out and Dr. Spalm was mentioned.  He recently re-surfaced after word of a co-conspirator indictment seemed to fall by the wayside so we asked if he would be interested in answering some questions.  He requested pre-payment this time, which is a normal request but which usually leads to a delay in the answers until the hang-over clears up enough for the clicking keyboard to not bother Dr. Spalm.  We relented this time and, sure enough, it took several days for this Q & A to surface.  Here, though, is the actual question from MH during the podcast:
Dear Dr. Spalm - It's a little windy and rainy out, should I actually go for my training ride or just pack it in today?
Dear Mr. H - I use the more formal capitalized family or tribal name initial because I did listen to the entire broadcast and it was claimed that you are an attorney.  As little evidence as there was to support this assertion, in my native country, those who study law are admired for their education and judgment, so we offer them this respect in all of our dealings with them.  In this country, I do the same merely out of respect for my heritage.  (Please pause here to reflect upon the insult I have cleverly woven into this simple statement.  Ms. Austen, if you were writing today, you would be welcome to use this in Pride & Prejudice II.)

I should also pause to clarify that I had no intention of listening to the entire podcast (from whence does such a word derive?; it is an ugly aberration of a word and utterly meaningless in salon conversation, suitable only for saloon conversation it would appear), but I was not able to turn it off once it started.  Frivolous technology has no interest for me and the device, lacking any obvious way to turn it on or off, driveled on.  I considered dropping it in my drink as a way of stopping it, but was worried that my cocktail would acquire a stench were I to do so.  Nonetheless, I do appreciate the experience, however, as I will be writing Dante Alighieri to let him know that I have discovered a 10th circle of hell known as the Sober Listening of Podcast.  Try as I might, I was not able to become sufficiently unsober to tolerate it measurably.  I am aware that Senor Alighieri is known to have been deceased since the 14th Century, but I assure you he will want to return from the grave to update his writings based on this newly acquired knowledge of such things that he was not even able to conceive after hundreds of hours of contemplation of the degrees of hell that humanity could create or experience.

Now let us turn to the examination of your question itself.  I must remind myself that this podcast process is a "live" recording and therefore you thusly excuse yourself from any preparation, planning or, apparently, forethought, as to your questions.  If I were not to keep this awareness present, I would not be able to even address the question for I hold it in such contempt.  It may be, upon further reflection, only my contempt for this question (and the fact that I have already spent the per-word stipend offered by this blog for my writings) that provides the energy to offer a response.

An aside for this process of writing for this blog.  If this country had the civility to recognize the validity of the education received in my homeland, I would be considered a credentialed person capable of resuming my medical, veterinary and cosmetic trades, however, the lack of accreditation and obvious prejudice of this nation's so-called scholars and arbiters of such things prevents me from making a living in my chosen field and I am forced to take on menial tasks to provide sustenance.  The per-word payment for these answers was foolishly agreed to by the purveyors of this outpost in the internet and I take nothing but delight from stretching out their pitiful pittance of recompense by extending my writings to the full extent that my capabilities and energies will allow.  They have provided no escape or legal clause in our agreement that directs my dissertation and it is only my good faith that prevents me from cutting and pasting the same words into this answer as many times as I choose.  They have provided no escape or legal clause in our agreement that directs my dissertation and it is only my good faith that prevents me from cutting and pasting the same words into this answer as many times as I choose.They have provided no escape or legal clause in our agreement that directs my dissertation and it is only my good faith that prevents me from cutting and pasting the same words into this answer as many times as I choose.They have provided no escape or legal clause in our agreement that directs my dissertation and it is only my good faith that prevents me from cutting and pasting the same words into this answer as many times as I choose.  HA!

As for your question, it is not worthy of answer.  If you had said, "it is windy and rainy" you might have asked a question suitable of a small child.  If you had said, "the roads are covered with ice and the windchill has created law enforcement warnings" you might have asked a question suitable of Paul Main and many Belgians.  If you had not included the commercially implied phrase, "pack it in" as a subtle way of referencing your beloved Packfiller Productions, I might have been duped into responding taking into account the simple way in which you speak as an indication of diminished capacity.  But no, taken as a whole there is nothing serious or meaningful in this question and therefore you will receive no insight from my decades of consultation with the cycling world.  And, unfortunately for you, having received pre-payment for this answer, I have reached the exact word count required of me by contract.  Now. 

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