Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Updated Customer Service Agreeement

Getting River City Brewing up and running as a new brewery, I have had to read lots of vendor contracts, supplier terms and customer service agreements.  I finally got one that told the truth about the relationship between me, paying customer, and them, faceless giant corporation.

MegaGlobalCorp Customer "Service" Agreement

Effective Date: This Customer Service Agreement is entered into on the earliest of the following dates: when you first use our services or product, the date you think about using our services or product, the date you first look at our website, the date you see one of our commercials, or the date you are born. 

MegaGlobalCorp Terms and Conditions: The terms and conditions in this agreement may be changed by MegaGlobalCorp whenever we want by printing them on a piece of paper in size 3 font.  Maybe we will mail this paper to you, but maybe we won't.  Maybe we will post it on our website or maybe will we post it in the "cloud" or maybe we will put it in a file drawer in a state on the opposite side of the country from you.  Such changes to terms and conditions will apply to you as soon as we think of them.  

Customer Terms and Conditions: The terms and conditions that apply to our contractual relationship may be changed by you, the customer, in the following ways or times: never.  You may not negotiate, suggest or complain about the terms and conditions, provided, however, if you get approximately 1,000,000 of your friends to complain at the same time and make an uncomfortable stink in the media, we may temporarily change the particular terms or conditions that will make the media attention go away.

Payment Terms: Customer will pay all charges, fines, penalties, interest and CEO compensation bonus assessment on time.  "On time" shall be defined as several days ahead of the due date of your bill or invoice to allow us to "process" your payment.  While we may be able to accept your order online or by telephone, create or inventory a product, package it and deliver it anywhere on the planet within 48 hours, we cannot "process" your payment in less than 7 days and that is only if there is no federal, state, county, city, neighborhood or Sri Lankan holiday during said 7-day processing period.  If there is such a holiday, or even just a nice potluck dinner, then you are out of luck, unless you pre-pay your bill ahead of your services or products and then we may still add a fine, penalty, interest or CEO compensation bonus assessment.

Responsibilities of MegaGlobalCorp:  MegaGlobalCorp accepts no responsibility whatsoever, of any kind or condition, ever or under any circumstances.  Use of our services or product is explicitly (meaning that we wrote it down on a piece of paper that you may or may not know about) conditioned on waiver of all claims, lawsuits, complaints or Facebook taunts against us.  This total denial of any responsibility is subject to the following specific exceptions: If we are providing investment or banking services, we are responsible for one particular retired couple looking happy standing on a beach with a setting sun or walking under falling leaves; If we are providing cellular telephone services, we are responsible for soldiers returning safely from war and surprising families on holidays, and our smartphone products are responsible for pictures of newborn babies being sent to the only technologically adept grandparents in the country; If we are supplying alcohol products or restaurant services, we are responsible for cheerleaders, tight sweaters and men cheering loudly at sports shown on televisions; If we are providing medical services, we are responsible for band-aids on the knees of 8-year olds with baseball mitts on their laps and people with disabilities taking their first halting steps, and we take credit for adorable nurses and handsome young doctors, but not the sleep-deprived, stressed out people who actually provide medical services; If we are providing any other product or service, just accept that we aren't responsible to you for anything, ever.

Availability by telephone: You, the customer, shall be available to hear about our current or expanded services at all times of the day and night, but specifically available by repeated phone calls while you are eating or trying to watch the season finale of your favorite TV show.  We, MegaGlobalCorp, will be available during our call center service hours which will last approximately 8 hours but in a timezone several away from yours.  If we call you, you had better answer the phone, or we will call you back every 10 minutes until you do.  If you call us, we will put you on hold for an extended time, but, and this is important, we will have a recording telling you that your call is important to us.

Availability by e-mail or online: You will be subject to receipt of e-mails several times a day urging you to buy our products and services.  You agree to follow us on Twitter, like us on Facebook, read oddly specific and targeted banner ads on every website you visit, and agree to have us track your electronic footprint better than the FBI can.  We agree to provide online means for you to send us money and place orders, but you may not send an e-mail to us under any circumstances to ask a question or complain.  If we provide a place online to fill out a form, you must spend an extended time checking boxes and selecting drop-down choices, but may not explain your problem in words, and when you hit "submit" the system will indicate there is an error, no matter how many times you try.

Enforcement:  We will use all means permitted by law and some not permitted by law to enforce the terms and conditions of our agreement.  If we need the laws changed, we have lobbyists who can make sure that happens too.

Acceptance: Please acknowledge acceptance the terms and conditions of our agreement by clicking on a box that refers to this agreement but doesn't state it, by removing wrapping from our product, by using any of our services or by looking intently at our product, or by breathing.

Thank you and from all of us at MegaGlobalCorp, we sincerely hope that you will continue producing income to give to us.


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  3. Great Blog, Customer Service is very import to grow up the business.

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  5. I am impressed your blog because your blog words is very impressiveness for business growths so thanks a lot for sharing this Information.